And maybe it's also because I'm having a hard enough time processing my life internally, which makes it seem almost impossible to figure out how to do externally, for even one other person. I'm realizing that as soon as I think I've got myself figured out, life throws me a curveball. It's been a weird year (aren't they all, though??), and I'm still sorting through the mess that is my emotional state.
Today was a hard one. One of those days where I just wanted to curl up in a ball and wait for life to pass over me. So, I deal with depression. Nothing major. Just a minor case of depression. I take a really low dose of antidepressant, see a therapist monthly, and usually I suffer no more than an occasional case of the blues. But then sometimes it hits me hard, and recently this is where I've been. I withdraw, lose excitement or enjoyment in the things I know I love, feel unmotivated, don't find my husband's jokes funny (and he's a really funny guy!), feel a particular type of alone-ness, and just can't escape those blues. It sounds dramatic, but usually I don't notice all of those things. Today is a day that I do, though. Today is a day that I wanted to cry pretty much all day long (I even did, in front of a client... which was embarrassing). Today is a day that I sort of wish I could just give up and never leave my bedroom.
Thankfully, I pretty much know that these types of days will pass (you know, I'm generally a pretty peppy, sunshiny kinda person). I know that at the end of even a really shitty day, I've got a partner who loves me and supports me no matter what, friends who lift me up and remind me who I am, a warm home of my own to restore myself in, pets who will cuddle with me under any and all circumstances, and a body that is strong and able. Being able to know those truths gets me through the times when it's hard to feel those truths.
I'm pretty confident that this upcoming year is going to be better than the last. There were so many great things about this year - we bought a house, got a new dog, Nathan graduated from divinity school and got a job, I started a new job that I love, we started getting involved in a really awesome new community, etc., etc. But it's also been filled with a lot of tough stuff- feeling pulled completely apart in a billion directions by my parents' divorce and the complete unraveling of my family unit (that's a big one), the unexpected death of my Nana, my Grandma's worsening Alzheimer's, mine & Nathan's two best friends moving away, the stress of a tough job, marriage, etc. I've had to parse through what all of these big life things, good and bad, mean for who I am. What I've learned more than anything is that I'm never going to reach a satisfying answer. Life keeps moving, and I keep changing with it. I think that's usually a good thing, but I know it's also usually a freaking hard thing.
i'm trying really hard not to apologize for sounding melodramatic. on my own blog. which i wrote as an outlet for myself. yet i still feel like i should write a disclaimer or an apology stating that i really do love my life and am so grateful for all that i have been given & all that i have and I realize i have it really easy, please don't hate me. BUT i'm NOT going to write that disclaimer/apology. Cause it's my own damn blog.