Monday, January 27, 2014

this is a blog post.


So, I said I was gonna start blogging again. And then I didn't. I thought about it a lot, but never actually wrote anything. Truth be told, writing (even for only an audience of like 4 people who might occasionally read this blog) stresses me out sometimes. I'm not a prolific writer. It's not one of my strong suits. Plus I'm surrounded by incredible writers - my best friend & husband are two of the most beautiful writers I know, and my sister is literally a poet - and sometimes it feels like written expression is just best left to them. If you've ever had a conversation with me, you know that I babble, ramble, trip over my thoughts, talk before thinking out what I'm actually trying to say (I've put my foot in my mouth way too many times with that one), and go on really long tangents. Efficiently expressing myself in speech is hard enough... trying to convert that to a word document just feels too overwhelming a lot of the time.

And maybe it's also because I'm having a hard enough time processing my life internally, which makes it seem almost impossible to figure out how to do externally, for even one other person. I'm realizing that as soon as I think I've got myself figured out, life throws me a curveball. It's been a weird year (aren't they all, though??), and I'm still sorting through the mess that is my emotional state.

Today was a hard one. One of those days where I just wanted to curl up in a ball and wait for life to pass over me. So, I deal with depression. Nothing major. Just a minor case of depression. I take a really low dose of antidepressant, see a therapist monthly, and usually I suffer no more than an occasional case of the blues. But then sometimes it hits me hard, and recently this is where I've been. I withdraw, lose excitement or enjoyment in the things I know I love, feel unmotivated, don't find my husband's jokes funny (and he's a really funny guy!), feel a particular type of alone-ness, and just can't escape those blues. It sounds dramatic, but usually I don't notice all of those things. Today is a day that I do, though. Today is a day that I wanted to cry pretty much all day long (I even did, in front of a client... which was embarrassing). Today is a day that I sort of wish I could just give up and never leave my bedroom.

Thankfully, I pretty much know that these types of days will pass (you know, I'm generally a pretty peppy, sunshiny kinda person). I know that at the end of even a really shitty day, I've got a partner who loves me and supports me no matter what, friends who lift me up and remind me who I am, a warm home of my own to restore myself in, pets who will cuddle with me under any and all circumstances, and a body that is strong and able. Being able to know those truths gets me through the times when it's hard to feel those truths.

I'm pretty confident that this upcoming year is going to be better than the last. There were so many great things about this year - we bought a house, got a new dog, Nathan graduated from divinity school and got a job, I started a new job that I love, we started getting involved in a really awesome new community, etc., etc. But it's also been filled with a lot of tough stuff- feeling pulled completely apart in a billion directions by my parents' divorce and the complete unraveling of my family unit (that's a big one), the unexpected death of my Nana, my Grandma's worsening Alzheimer's, mine & Nathan's two best friends moving away, the stress of a tough job, marriage, etc. I've had to parse through what all of these big life things, good and bad, mean for who I am. What I've learned more than anything is that I'm never going to reach a satisfying answer. Life keeps moving, and I keep changing with it. I think that's usually a good thing, but I know it's also usually a freaking hard thing.

i'm trying really hard not to apologize for sounding melodramatic. on my own blog. which i wrote as an outlet for myself. yet i still feel like i should write a disclaimer or an apology stating that i really do love my life and am so grateful for all that i have been given & all that i have and I realize i have it really easy, please don't hate me.   BUT i'm NOT going to write that disclaimer/apology. Cause it's my own damn blog.
 

Wednesday, December 4, 2013

Nana

Judith Finley Stone, 78, of Chattanooga, passed away Monday, Dec. 2, 2013, after a brief illness. She was a founder, deacon, past treasurer and finance chair of Rivermont Presbyterian Church. Judy was born in Chattanooga on May 31, 1936. She was president of the GPS class of 1954 and attended Vanderbilt University before graduating from the University of Tennessee in 1980 with a BS in accounting. She was employed as a CPA with Joseph Decosimo & Co., working as a tax manager and specializing in the taxation of estates and trusts. She was also employed by Spears, Moore, Rebman & Co. She retired in 1995. Judy was a caring and passionate member of her community and supported many philanthropic causes. She had an especially passionate interest in education. She was elected as a trustee of the University of Chattanooga Foundation in 1995, where she served as treasurer beginning in 2007. She sat on the executive committee, and chaired the nominating committee beginning in 2009 and continued to serve until her death. Additionally, Judy served on the finance committee and endowment committee of Girls Preparatory School. She served in various capacities on numerous other boards, including: Richmont Graduate University, King College, the Faith and Hope Fund for the Presbytery of East Tennessee, Bachman Academy, University of Tennessee Alliance of Women Philanthropists, the Kidney Foundation, Scenic Land School, Tennessee River Gorge Trust, the UTC College of Business Advisory Board. Additionally, she was a member of several Bible studies, book clubs, and the Women of Rivermont club. She was preceded in death by her father, the late W. Max Finley. She is survived by her mother, Margaret Ferrell Finley; her sister, Cynthia Finley Anderson, of Winston-Salem, N.C.; children, William M. Stone III, of Knoxville, Catherine Dianne Stone, of Nashville, Robert Finley Stone, of Chattanooga; and daughters-in-law, Lacie Newton Stone, Cynthia Dair Stone, of Chattanooga; and granddaughters, Sarah Elisabeth Stone and Rebecca Stone Dryden. She is remembered for her red hair, her quick, impish wit, and above all, her kindness and generosity to others. She loved traveling, photography, cooking shows, and spending time with her family and many friends. The family will receive friends at Rivermont Presbyterian Church from 4-6 p.m. on Thursday, Dec. 5, followed by a funeral service, beginning at 6 p.m. in the sanctuary, with a private graveside service at 10 a.m. on Friday, Dec. 6, at Forest Hills Cemetery. The family asks that, in lieu of flowers, donations be made to the Kidney Foundation, the Siskin Children's Institute, or the Bachman Academy. Share your memories at www.wannfuneralhome.com. Arrangements are by Wann Funeral Home & Cremation Center, located at the foot of historic Lookout Mountain, St. Elmo. 821-7551.

Friday, November 15, 2013

Blog revival

After a very long hiatus, this blog is being brought back to life.

I am seeking new ways to unpack some of the chaos that goes on in my mind, and this seems like it may be a healthy outlet for me. I am not writing with hopes of gaining a large following or impressing anyone with any sort of artistic abilities (due to the fact that I have none). I am writing as self-guided therapy.

I welcome anyone who wants to read my posts, comment with questions, or altogether ignore this blog.

Wednesday, July 10, 2013

We bought a house.

Well, we did it. We took the plunge into homeownership. It's a bit overwhelming, but more than that, it's exciting. We love our house, and have been busy making it our home.

We're not totally done decorating & settling in, but here's what we've got so far: 









Sunday, June 16, 2013

Photojournal of the past few months

The last few months have flown by. I've learned & grown a lot. Here are some of the things that have happened....
I met my farmers and joined a wonderful community...
Nathan finished his last full-time semester of his graduate degree....
A dear friend had the most beautiful baby...
We planted a big garden...
I spent time with dear friends...
My dad bonded with my dog...
I biked to work for the first time....
I worked out in the community with an amazing group of people out to end chronic homelessness in Nashville...
I swam at the pool with the best people...
We actually ate a lot of things we grew....
I'm learning new things....
I followed my heart & joined the Homeless Outreach team at my agency....
Nathan started a bug collection & kept jars of bug corpses in the freezer next to things that would otherwise be appealing...
Oh, no big deal, we bought a house...
And we're packing things up to move...
Through all the changes, good & bad, we have each other, which is the best part of all...

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Oh, hi.

Seems I forgot about my blog for a while. Perhaps it was a needed break.

I've been thinking lately on the growth I've experienced over the past year & a half of marriage (what?!). This time last year, I was in a good but kind of rough place. I was happy, but also dealing with some anxiety issues that, as I can see pretty clearly now but perhaps didn't at the time, were pretty crippling. I feel a lot healthier now. I feel more confident & happy with myself as a human than I ever have. I feel capable of accepting my flaws and trying to grow, without wanting to crawl in a hole anytime I hear criticism or feel insecure. It's extremely liberating, and I am really happy to have reached this place in my life. I owe so much to Nathan, to my loving & encouraging friends, to my family, to my boss(es) & colleagues & clients, to my pets, to the Tennessee mountains, to myself.

Things are changing, but in very unexpected ways. My parents are divorced, my sister doesn't talk to me. Life as I know it is officially different. What will happen when Nathan & I have kids? Do I tell my sister even though she asked me never to contact her? Will my parents be able to be in the same room to see my family? Will my child(ren) have relationships with both of their maternal grandparents? I don't know what it looks like, and that scares me, but I know that we will figure it out whenever that time comes.

I don't know where we'll be two years from now. I'm still definitely considering graduate school, but I don't know where or when. I hope to continue in my field, where I feel extremely fulfilled and challenged every day. It's exciting to think about living somewhere new, but is it feasible or financially responsible?

I have been paying more attention to my physical and personal needs lately, and in order to meet them I've been exercising a lot (Jazzercise & Yoga) & knitting as much as possible. My body feels healthy & strong, and I've challenged myself with really fun new knitting patterns. Both are extremely enjoyable & fulfilling for me.

There are certainly struggles at times, emotionally, financially, & otherwise, but I feel like I am in a much better place & pretty capable of handling what comes my way. I am feeling overwhelmingly blessed & fulfilled by my life right now, and so incredibly happy to be sharing it with so many wonderful people (and pets).

Friday, December 28, 2012

Obligatory holiday post.

So, I haven't done a holiday post because, quite frankly, this was the worst holiday I've ever had. Don't get me wrong, I'm incredibly blessed & have a relatively easy life, but this holiday was full of heartbreak and betrayal, and I don't really feel on reflecting upon it.

Good news is, for every person who hurts me irreparably, there are a handful waiting in the wings to pick me up and hold me in my tears. My mom, my husband, my aunt & uncle, and my in-laws never let me down, and I am so lucky to have them.

Oh, and this little guy is a constant in my life. Always happy to see me, always ready to cuddle, always loving.